(re: another comment) I knew a couple people in the french foreign legion, and I wouldn't recommend joining them unless you want to become even more fucked up.

What I would recommend instead, is save up a bit of money and move to another country (South America, Southeast Asia, even Eastern/Western Europe if you can swing it). There you will not fail background checks, and in many countries you can easily get a job teaching English (with or without a small amount of training) which will be more than enough to pay your bills. Your quality of life will be far higher than living with your parents.

Start a consultancy doing the skilled work you want while you pay your rent by teaching English. Work on your social skills, and probably the deep underlying reasons those skills are lacking (by the way, this will help building the consultant work over time). Take some psychedelics, get outside your comfort zone with people and activities, enmesh yourself in a new culture, learn a new language. This will all take time, and I'd encourage you to keep moving between cities or countries a bit until you find a situation that feels right and you don't want to leave.

You don't like who you are now, so become the new person you want to be. It will be a lot easier to do that in another country. Even if the felony would prevent you from getting a permanent visa immediately, you'll be able to indefinitely do visa runs in the vast majority of developing countries with little hassle.

> Start a consultancy

Exactly what I did. Felon here too. I struggle to pass a background check (theft when I was 17; convicted many years later, and I'm now 24). However, I'm pretty open about what <actually> happened with my clients. I don't think I have a client who doesn't know the story, or my background when I was a little shithead. I get to know them well, as they do me.

I've never gotten a bad response.

Now my curiosity is stoked. What did you do back when you were that young?

I'm curious about your French Foreign Legion comment; can you elaborate?

From my not incredibly extended experience, the problem was the FFL attracts exactly the sort of people in op's situation - those with criminal records and/or nowhere else to turn. You're then basically a mercenary in a group of other very fucked up mercenaries, and from the outside it appeared a great way of reinforcing the worst aspects of one's personality.

By contrast if you simply go live in South America and teach English, you'll just be any other expat, and immersed in a normal local culture much more likely to help you become a sane, well-rounded human.

(for reference, I spent two weeks in a hostel in Marseilles with a creepy Algerian criminal in the FFL who'd been wounded/furloughed and was trying to obtain French citizenship along with a 19 year old in-denial gay Mormon who was attempting to join. The Algerian wound up making violent/rapey comments to at least three female friends)

Not to mention, isn't the FFL more selective in physical ability than the US Army Rangers? You don't just sign up.

Yeh I know a few people who went into the Legion and I think it's whole methodology messes you up way more than a conventional military and/or commando unit in a place like the UK or US. A lot of guys I now regret going to the Legion for this, instead of Royal Marines or SEALs etc.

to join the legion you gotta be mentally and physically tough. if thats not the case there is no point in joining.

the expat idea seem good.

You might enjoy: https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-hardest-thing-you-have-eve...

Also worth reading Legionnaire by Simon Murray, although he seems to be more positive about the long term impact on his life.

I know the legion is hard, but this guy is just one of those people that AWOLs, for whatever reason. These people are usually fragile of mind to begin with. That experience couldn't have helped any. It was a very interesting read, though. Thanks for posting.

I would look into trying to get your criminal past expunged. Talk to some lawyers, figure it out. My ex-roommate was able to get his wiped, although it wasn't a felony sex offense case.

Work hard to get a new job, even if it's a crappy one. This will be the key to help you turn your life around. I know it did for me. I struggled during my early late 20s too, and when I turned 30 it felt overwhelming... like what have I been doing with my life? But when I put my head down and started to work hard.

Career became my main focus in my 30s and while I am much older now, I can say without doubt, everything got better. I was able to not worry about money, date more, make more friends, indulge in personal interests, etc.

Use this time living at home to save, take any job related to your interest. Keep looking for better opportunities. Save more money. Get that job. Get that girl. Get your life turned around mentally and emotionally. Don't dwell on the past. Good luck!

> although it wasn't a felony sex offense case.

Not to mention, it's a sex offense, he doesn't say could also possibly include being on the sex offender registry.

It's ironic that we talk of "right to forget" in Europe. USA, sex offenders are named and shamed for the rest of their lives as eternal perverts.

One of the sadder scenarios IMO is something like an 18-year-old having quasi-consensual sex with a 17-year-old (I say "quasi" just because by legal definition it can't be consensual.) If convicted, the offender is branded a pedophile for life, but few people are going to consider what actually happened (and it's not documented publicly like the generic crime conviction is.)

I don't know if it's really prevalent, but I know one anecdote that appeared to be like that. Some US States are making progress here, though -- see "Romeo and Juliet laws."

One of my brother's good childhood friends was 18, his girlfriend 16. Both parents approved of the relationship. She stayed out too late one night (with her friends, not the boyfriend), and her parents called the police. Police track her down, but learn of the relationship with the 18-year-old. This was Kansas so it was then out of the parents' hands. He was was convicted of statutory rape, and still to this day (~20 years later) has to inform his neighbors whenever he moves.

(wait for it)

He is married to that same person, and they have three kids together. Registered sex offender for life.

I was curious so I looked up recividism rates. One of the more unsettling results:

The Harris and Hanson analysis included a sample of 1,038 rapists. Recidivism estimates were reported for three distinct followup periods: 5 years, 10 years, and 15 years. Sexual recidivism rates for rapists, based on new charges or convictions, were 14 percent at 5 years, 21 percent at 10 years, and 24 percent at 15 years.

http://www.smart.gov/SOMAPI/sec1/ch5_recidivism.html

(That's for rapists specifically; the "all sex offenders" bucket has much lower overall rate)

Dropping in here, because I can't pass a background check either (felony theft - did some stuff to a bank):

I've learned that just being like "yo I can't pass a background check in case you were wondering" only opens up arms and minds. Though, to a felony sex offense... well, it couldn't have been that bad since you did 3 years probation. I got 5.

Reach out to some bigger recruiting agencies, and make sure to prepare yourself for an explanation. From what I've experienced, they'll do the background check, and then ship you off to companies where you won't have to pass theirs.

A question I have for you is this: How has finding a place to live gone for you?

Edit: just remembered that I'm off probation in late August. Yay.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to go to therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy can make a big difference in your life. Find someone in your area and commit yourself to improve with the guidance of someone who can help you.

A lot of the issues you have could be the result of a distorted life perspective. Superficial advice like "lift weights" are not helpful. You need to change your thinking patterns to have results that last.

One crucial aspect of this is finding the right therapist. Really good therapists are actually somewhat rare, and a bad one can waste a lot of your time or worse. Finding the right therapist is like dating. You have to shop around a bit to find the right match but once you do it can be incredibly rewarding.

Lifting weights is superficial advice?

It makes every part of your life easier.

- Releases endorphines to make you happy

- Makes you more attractive

- Helps you burn more fat

- Helps your long term health

- Gives you something to put into your routine to have a healthy habit

- When you do it and stick to it, the downside is you have to listen to occasional ignorant comments by people who downplay the benefits of this.

- Your sex drive increases

- Testosterone / you become more dominant

It's not easy either - lifting weights takes a lot more effort than jogging. You're more likely to be characterized as a brute jock, as opposed to biking / jogging where it's all glib hipsters.

Yes, is superficial advice. Why? Because it won't solve the core issues.

I'm not saying it's bad to do it, or that it won't have benefits, however it won't magically solve deep seated problems like bad thinking patterns or a distorted life point of view.

As a complementary activity, that's great but should not be taken as "the solution", because it's not and could be misleading for people that need guided therapy.

It's similar to people with eating disorders. Telling them "just eat healthy and work out" won't help them ( they have heard that for years). They "know" that they could eat better and they know all the benefits of working out but there are deeper issues / fears/ misconceptions that should be treated first.

Don't take it personal, just be aware that is not that simple.

Guided therapy isn't a sole solution either. Both physical and cognitive health are important.

It's not, and it's wrong. Probably some 'facts' told by training gurus or whatnot.

You can be 5 feet tall, built on a cat frame and still be dominant. Being dominant is much more about how you interact socially. And no, being the 'tough' guy doesn't help.

You can feel more confidant if you have some more muscle mass, but that's about it.

Now, about the testosterone. Exercise will make your testosterone go up for only a few minutes to an hour, which doesn't do much of a difference. (Same for sex btw; levels go up AFTER sex.) Besides, if you lack the hormone in any serious matters, you should seek a physician. Other than that, why would you want more? Because you think it's in direct proportion to your manliness?

Agreed overall, with the nitpick that I've never seen evidence that testosterone increases after sex.

In most of our actual society, this is actually a benefit.

Especially since dude's already got a felony sex conviction.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." As cheesy as this sounds, it is deeply true. You can choose every day the kind of person you want to be from now on.

I think the psychological baggage of living with your parents, not having a girlfriend and having a degenerative neurological disorder is far greater than the criminal record. There are ways to reduce the implications of the sex offense on your life, as others suggested. But the other things are what will hold you back.

Consider adopting a meditation practice and practice being nice to yourself. Calling yourself "broken goods" isn't helping matters. The way you think of yourself is the way you carry yourself and how other people see you. Seek examples of happy, accomplished people with missing limbs or serious illnesses.

I found that with a decent salary, meaningful remote job, traveling across some of the most beautiful places in the world and eating amazing food, I came to realize I deeply miss my friends, lack having a local community, and a purpose and meaning in what I was doing.

My best advice if for you to seek ways to bring value to other people's lives through what you do. It doesn't have to be selfless, it can be as simple as writing a blog and sharing your journey. It may take a little while to figure out what brings you happiness, but whatever you do, even if you get a freelance/remote job, don't stay inside and work for days without meeting people. Coworking spaces and cafes are a much better alternative in your situation.

I remember turning 30. It was a sobering number for me too.

The felony: in some cases an attorney can get these reduced to a misdemeanor if you stay out of trouble several years after your probation is over. You might look into this.

The career: there probably aren't any shortcuts. Like a lot of other things, it's a numbers game. Keep sending out resumes and applications, the more the better. Try not to get discouraged (or, at least, don't let that stop you from putting out another resume and application). Do some work in the field. Do anything you can to get your foot in the door somewhere, to keep moving towards your goal. Internship maybe? Somewhere out there is someone who will give you an opportunity. You have to find them.

Keep working on and improving yourself. Get out and socialize if possible. (Meetup is good for this in a lot of areas.) Don't wallow too much in self-pity; learn to be happy with yourself and others will be happy with you too.

Your 20s is disappointing because you screwed up in a way that's going to affect you for a long time. So don't screw up; make your 30s about working towards your goals and recovering from your past decisions. Be stable and reliable and responsible -- become an adult.

I was in a very similar situation. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life when I was 18, was angry about a relationship that ended (I had no skills for dealing with it at the time), so I got into drinking and drugs and made a lot of bad choices (which eventually landed me 10 years of probation).

I ended up working a string of minimum wage jobs before finally finding a factory job that was hard, but paid a little more ($13/hour). Since I really wanted to be a professional drummer and tour with a band, I figured that I needed to learn a skill that I could do on the road. I decided to start studying web development and graphic design. I worked a bunch of overtime, bought a used macbook, and started spending all my nights and weekends studying (I have a friend who calls this the Overlap Technique; google it). After a couple years, I had learned enough to get an (unpaid) internship at a small web design agency. That eventually gave me the confidence to start taking on freelance clients when the opportunities came.

The hardest part was learning to like myself again. By the time I was 20, I was overweight at 260 pounds (I'm 5'll). I started making small changes to my diet (stopped drinking soda, started eating healthier foods), and I started walking, exercising, riding my bike around town, etc. I lost 80 pounds over the course of three years, and I felt and looked really good.

I was also fortunate enough to find a group of cognitive therapists who were really smart and really kind who helped me understand the thought patterns that were making me fuck up my own life.

I had two major breakthroughs; the first was after taking shrooms (not a recommendation, mind you) I realized that I could make my life be whatever I wanted it to be. I had control over my decisions, and they would shape my life.

The second was that I had to stop giving a fuck about what the people who didn't know me had to say about the poor choices I made in the past. I understand why I made those shitty choices, and I won't be making them again. If someone wants to be a dick or refuse to work with me because of a bad choice I made in the past, they aren't someone I want in my life anyways.

I turn 30 in two months. I have a solid source of income from multiple clients who I have good relationships with (they've never asked for a background check), a nice girlfriend, and plenty of friends who know about my past and still respect me for the person I am today. They can't even comprehend the level of shithead I was back then because today I am nothing but kind, respectful, encouraging and helpful to everyone I meet.

I hope this helps.

1. There's lots of good advice here. Don't try to do all of it simultaneously; pick one or two things and really commit to them, and then review how well you're doing in those areas once a week. You'll have weeks of no progress, everyone does, but if you keep focusing on 1-2 areas until you're happy with that result, almost anything can get improved over 3-6 months. Sometimes shorter, but ready yourself for more and pace yourself accordingly.

2. Start trying to meet more people and make more connections Friends, acquaintances, professional colleagues. Go to where people doing the type of statistics/marketing you're doing hang out, and get to know them. In-person is better than online, but if you're not near a major metropolitan area, online would be okay too.

You could, for instance, find some discussion forum devoted to marketing/statistics, and learn, post there, follow up, etc.

It doesn't have to be purely professional related, but if there's overlap between the work you want to do and the type of people you're meeting, you'll have more job offers. There's a number of studies showing that the vast majority of hires made aren't from applying blindly by sending in resumes, but based on recommendations and personal relationships.

So -- get to know more people. It'll probably also help with your self-esteem. I'd also recommend never calling yourself "broken goods" or similar again: the world's got enough antagonism in it without you getting on your own case.

But yeah, your main goal is get employed? Start meeting people, getting to know them, and showing your competence in the areas you'd like to be employed.

A few years ago I was in a situation remarkably similar to yours and I found that getting a stable long term girlfriend was extremely helpful in keeping me on a good trajectory. Ironically, the only real way to achieve this is to already be on that trajectory. One strategy is to focus on getting really good at something you're interested in. Your mastery will attract both women and employment and the process is not unenjoyable. Another attractive trait (to both mates and employers) is healthiness, so eat healthy things, take vitamin D supplements if you're far away from the equator, and get at least some exercise every day (15 minutes is fine). Building these habits can have positive effects on your mental state as well.

I'm sorry, but no. "Ironically, the only real way to achieve this" - is to achieve this. I met my wife almost 25 years ago. We were both homeless at the time. We found each other, loved each other, and despite ridiculous odds against us, found a happy and successful life together. A big part of that was me pulling my head out of my ass and doing things for "us" instead of doing things for "me".

The trajectory I was on before I met her was juvenile, selfish, and stupid. Then all of that changed rather dramatically: I met the woman who would become my wife, and she made me want to grow up and step up. My situation changed, when my mind changed.

You got lucky. Sounds like your wife got lucky too :)

But for every one of you, I'll find ten others who expected a relationship to pull them off a bad trajectory (esp. addiction), and instead found someone who enables, and often shares and promotes, their self-destruction.

I'm really happy for you and it's that sort of change in focus that I think is hugely beneficial, but either your situation was atypical or you had more going for you than you think. It's not about "being" somewhere or achieving anything specifically, it's more about attitude.

Go find a job at a very young startup. Few of them do background checks. Or start freelancing.

100% either start consulting or move to a different country. I know a few guys who made mistakes when they were young and have been paying the price their entire lives.

Go jogging and lift weights, you'll figure out the rest.

I also recommend this.

Whenever I'm overwhelmed with life, I focus on eating better, sleeping enough and getting some exercise. Inevitably one of those was out-of-whack, and always after less than a week I feel much, much better.

I'm no saint, and I go months without any significant exercise, though getting back to it always makes me feel better and helps me get back on top of life.

Exercise releases endorphines, gives you more energy, it isn't a completely out of the question suggestion.

Disclaimer: I don't exercise.

Why did you automatically assume the OP is a "brogrammer" because they suggested exercise?

I find that exercise really helps me deal with stress and take a step back. I don't think it has anything to do with "brogrammers" at all.

No acerbic swipes, please.

Very definitely your loss, for not following this particular prescription ;)

Don't worry about the girlfriend thing. That will fix itself if you fix all the other shit.

Go and get another job as a statistician - by this I do not mean applying for them. Work out where you want to work (ish), find some excuse to get to know people there and just talk about coming to work for them. Is there an annual "stats in the advertising industry" conference? Go there, pay attention, talk to people about stats. Pretty quickly, if you know your shit, doors will start to open.

I got a job offer off a usenet post once.

When it does get to the point where you're physically in their building and talking about whether or not you could come to work for them, fess up. "You should know I've made some mistakes in my past and ... my legal record shows this ... I want you to know before you find out".

Voila. Do the full Trainspotting thing - washing machine, big fucking TV etc. Then meet some women and just be nice. Problem solved, I guarantee it.

I wish the therapy answers were getting voted up higher. The other answers are okay as far as they go, but a therapist is like a personal coach who can help you pick a path and stick to it. They can be an actual third person to go along with you "thinking about yourself in the third person" (to quote another answer).

You will be OK. ~hugs~

You won't find peace with a job or a girlfriend or yourself if you are not ready. Even if you are trying things and they are not working - like exercise, therapy, volunteering, religion, hobby groups, etc. - keep trying. It will take time and you will have good and bad days, but you will find something that you connect with. You will find yourself in a good place before you know it. There are some great (free!) motivating resources online that may be helpful during dark times (health scares, medical bills, rejection, finance troubles, etc.).

For example, this TED Talk by Aimee Mullins: http://www.ted.com/talks/aimee_mullins_prosthetic_aesthetics...

I'm a programmer, at 29 as well, and I know it's going to sound cliché, but this comes from my heart:

The single best suggestion I have for you is to surrender your life to Jesus. God did miraculous thing for me since I decided to let Jesus live in me. I was in search for meaning and found it in Him.

And you don't have to believe me; please ask some people around you who believe. Maybe in your family. They'll probably tell you how God changed their life for the better.

I know you said you're more interested in having a good job/salary and it's OK to seek that, but please also consider your after-death. Jesus said: "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?"

God bless you. I'll pray for you my friend.

Hmm, have you tried an online contracting job (https://www.elance.com/)? Maybe get a passport and move to SE Asia, or Latin America, for a fresh environment?

Flipping the switch starts with yourself.

When you stop seeing yourself as broken goods it'll shine through. Besides, no one knows you until they want to know you. When you project your brokenness that's how they will see you too.

You have a wonderful skillset! I would definitely learn more programming and more 'data science' & analytics (datasciencemasters.org) and then think deeply about finding companies whose missions you identify with. The 30's are the best time to think about how to combine your skillset with your ability to make a big impact in the world; it will also help to think about things in this sense because it helps shift some of the focus away from 'what can the world offer me' to 'what can I offer the world'!

Many large companies in Asia will use First Advantage (previously LexusNexus I believe) to do background checks so ignore the previous commenter that Asia doesnt do background checks, the same incompetent company used heavily in US and EU. However I would be surprised if startups did background checks, and even if they did if you could put your cards on the table then I doubt it will hinder you, you seem to be upfront here (and with it only probation) so I guess it wasn't anything too evil.

I enjoy cycling a bucketload. I get a sense of achievement regularly, my health improves, etc. Not a magic bullet but not a high barrier to entry: find a group ride and go.

Not that it's an easy solution, or even the right one for you right now, but I'll just note something:

There's (generally) no background checks required for starting or running a business.

You have listed the constraints that currently apply to your life. Think about what sort of life you can create within those constraints, or how you can get around them.

Well, you wont be doing interesting things unless you do them... So what if you suck to start off, as long as it doesn’t kill you, injure you or get you arrested, pay your penance and give it a shot for a while. If it doesn’t work, then try something else that is interesting. At some point you will be known for doing something interesting or have interesting stories of your attempts of trying something interesting.

Part of the pursuit of an "interesting" lifestyle hopefully will get you into networking situations where you might find friends and maybe more romantic interests that share your pursuits.

Stop waiting to start somewhere, and just start.

Read this book or grab the audible.

http://www.amazon.com/Psycho-Cybernetics-New-More-Living-Lif...

Perhaps visit some sort of counselor every so often? HN might help you with career advise, but a therapist will help figure any problems you have with yourself and others. You don't have to be crazy to seek assistance.

Work on meditation and social relationships. It sounds like that felony was your biggest stumbling block, which means you'll appreciate growing past it more than anyone else. How can you grow past it? By developing that part of yourself. Work on health and your neurological disorder at the same time you work on these relationships and becoming and feeling normal again. Once you achieve that normality, going beyond it will be such a joy for you :)

What about contract jobs or consulting work? If you're not an employee, maybe you could skip the HR BS.

You should read this Quora reply. It's a good answer, and is relevant to the background you shared.

http://qr.ae/7Upp1h

Did whoever downvoted this bother to read the thing at the link? Or did you just dismiss, out of hand?

The commenter talks about how to be productive after a felony conviction. If that's not relevant, I don't know what is.

You guys are brutal. Seriously.

I didn't downvote it. I suspect that using an URL shortener and linking to quora is what attracted the downvote/s.

Setup a www.fiverr.com account and offer to do some niche statistical work. Ignore the whole resume/interview/background check process. Become an independent small biz owner.

tony, can you email me at wow.its.nothing@gmail.com?

Let's talk. You're not broken goods, I don't care. you're viewing yourself as a victim. Let's flip that shit around.

Job/salary is only important for the things they enable. If you can move to Thailand, do remote consulting, and enjoy a Zen lifestyle, that might be worth a lot more.

acquire knowledge. learn learn learn.

workout, try to stay in shape as much as you can.

I find these sorts of platitudes totally useless to someone with a practical and well-defined problem: can't find a job because he can't pass a background check. As a hypothetical (I have no idea if this is possible), maybe there's a way for an official diagnosis of his neurological condition to enable him to circumvent/solve the background check issue.

His question was about living a fruitful decade despite the difficulties. Getting a job doesn't necessarily make your life better. Helping other people does. For the skeptic, there is only one way to find out, however.

I don't understand this claim. I've been depressed at a time when I was very much "useful" both professionally and in a relationship.

Being in demand (or needed) is sort of like having money: it doesn't have any direct correlation with mental health.

How about volunteering? It is one way to make others happy, and is deeply rewarding. Meeting new people and being a part of the community is essential to sustain happiness. If you have a dark past, it can be difficult to open up to new people. So it might be good if he tries to volunteer in communities which deals with such problems. Helping out organize events, speaking about he overcame his difficult times could be good opportunities to explore. The social connections can lead to positive professional growth as well.

If your neurological condition does not disqualify you (a big if), consider joining the French Foreign Legion. A new career and a path to a non-US passport sound like just the ticket in your situation! Unfortunately, you have no hope of ever escaping your conviction in the United States; that is by design as you find yourself the target of a pernicious complex of puritanism, fear, and pandering.

Your other options are mainly going to involve under the table jobs or freelancing, probably your only meaningful option if you want to continue in your previous line of work. Why not hang out your shingle as a contractor? Since you're not working anyway, it can't hurt! If you have contacts from previous jobs, get in touch with them and offer your services -- as a services corporation, not as an employee. You might have more success as a corporation than as a human.

Good luck!

just wondering. How old are you?

25