Several people here are saying something like "Life is too short to be miserable. Get out and be happy."
I tried that. In the span of a month we had a newborn, I lost my job, the market went into the worst recession since the Great Depression. Later I lost another job and we had to short-sell our house.
We got a divorce and it wasn't because of any of those things (though, they did influence it). It was because my default was to run away from my problems.
Funny thing; the divorce didn't eliminate the stress. It just moved it around in my body and mind and led to near constant anger, anxiety, and panic spasms. I went to see a therapist who taught me to be present with what I'm feeling. (He practiced Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, for anyone interested) I did that in earnest and one day about six months after starting therapy I realized what a mistake I had made in giving up on my marriage.
I reached out and we were able to repair the relationship and we've been back together for over ten years now, thankfully. We're closer than ever. I don't recommend that particular method of repairing a relationship, by the way. ;)
It hasn't always been easy since we got back together but, it has been worth it. We were talking the other day--we talk a lot, important!--and we both agreed that at the start of our relationship, our feelings for each other were very intense. Now that we've been together for over twenty years (with a short "We were on a break!" in the middle) we find that the intensity of our love for each other isn't the same but it is so much deeper than it was at the start and only grows more so the more we're together. We realized that you can only get that if you stay and work on the relationship.
My understanding is that Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is considered a "fourth wave" psychotherapy, whereas Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is considered more "third wave". Many therapists still focus on CBT, so those that are interested in ACT will have to seek out practitioners of it.
The classic consumer-facing book about CBT is "Feeling Good", and a good consumer-facing book about ACT is "The Happiness Trap."
I share this because your comment may resonate with people, and I think it's important to understand that ACT is quite different than the more-common CBT.
Since the OP never once mentioned CBT, why did you feel the need to give such a detailed description of the difference between the two? Why not go ahead and talk about the differences between ACT and the dozen other therapies out there?
Thanks so much for sharing that. I'm so glad that you and your dear one have gotten to such a beautiful place! I had to learn a similar lesson with regard to self-love and care from dealing with type-1 diabetes. My aha came in the form of the phrase "love is maintenance".
Wow! Congratulations and good on you for putting in the work to bring it back around. We'd be better as a society if more had the emotional fortitude to do what you did.
I've seen too many marriages fall apart because a single party was apathetic long enough that the second party finally got the memo. It's a tragedy in every sense of the word; especially for the kids.
I tried that. In the span of a month we had a newborn, I lost my job, the market went into the worst recession since the Great Depression. Later I lost another job and we had to short-sell our house.
We got a divorce and it wasn't because of any of those things (though, they did influence it). It was because my default was to run away from my problems.
Funny thing; the divorce didn't eliminate the stress. It just moved it around in my body and mind and led to near constant anger, anxiety, and panic spasms. I went to see a therapist who taught me to be present with what I'm feeling. (He practiced Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, for anyone interested) I did that in earnest and one day about six months after starting therapy I realized what a mistake I had made in giving up on my marriage.
I reached out and we were able to repair the relationship and we've been back together for over ten years now, thankfully. We're closer than ever. I don't recommend that particular method of repairing a relationship, by the way. ;)
It hasn't always been easy since we got back together but, it has been worth it. We were talking the other day--we talk a lot, important!--and we both agreed that at the start of our relationship, our feelings for each other were very intense. Now that we've been together for over twenty years (with a short "We were on a break!" in the middle) we find that the intensity of our love for each other isn't the same but it is so much deeper than it was at the start and only grows more so the more we're together. We realized that you can only get that if you stay and work on the relationship.