Wow, these descriptions reflect my own experience exactly. The small failures that snowballed and became patterns.
I had been working at a large software company for several years. I was in kind of an oddball group, doing miscellaneous web development. For the most part, it was fun. The team became like a family for a time.
The constant re-orgs were stressful, though. That was like having to re-interview for my own job every ten months or so. I have done 3D graphics programming on my own time for about 20 years, and I always told myself that one day I would find a way to do that for a living. Setting up a very high expectation - kind of like wanting to be the lead guitarist in a band.
I tried to interview for any graphics job I could find, during my four years at the company. I never got an offer. Eventually, there were so many re-orgs, that most of my friend-co-workers had moved on to other teams. I decided to quit and work on a game, doing what I love. Technically, that went amazingly well. But from a design standpoint, it never quite gelled.
Then my relationship failed at the worst possible time. Then I exhausted my runway. I interviewed with goog and failed (more high expectations). I interviewed with a startup for a graphics position and it seemed to go very well!! But then baggage from that failed relationship, and doubt, stopped me from relocating during a critical window.
Then came crippling anxiety and horrible depression. My life seemed to go from amazing to over in only a few months. Friends grew distant and didn't know what to do for me. I couldn't face anybody. I stopped taking any calls. It felt like life was trying to tell me "Go home. You lost the privilege of playing with the grown-ups."
Sad to say, I am still "down in it". I had to move "back home," which is an isolated place. I haven't written much code in months. Despite having been a programmer for 20 years, I fear I won't be able to pass anymore technical interviews. Rationally, I know I am a very good and accomplished developer, and I know that everyone who has worked with me would say the same; but I'm extremely anxious about approaching the job search and the interviews anymore. One day I will find the motivation and the nerve to start over again.
The most important thing I learned about depression is that it snowballs in both directions. Big tasks and big goals loom even bigger in your head, especially when you spend all your time in your head, dwelling. Don't worry about those sorts of things right now. As long as the whole 'starting over' thing is a shadow in your head, it will stop you from taking the first step.
Focus on something small and achievable, and achieve it. Even if it's just goddamn FizzBuzz. Reverse a linked list, and messsage one old friend on facebook to have lunch. That's it. Just do something small. It cuts off the downward spiral, and establishes momentum in the right direction.
How about coding a very small mobile phone game? Do it for fun, not for profit but if you keep the content simple enough, you might just finish it. Even if you don't, it's a good way to fill in some of the time. It's just forcing yourself to do a little bit every week that's the hard part.
I had been working at a large software company for several years. I was in kind of an oddball group, doing miscellaneous web development. For the most part, it was fun. The team became like a family for a time.
The constant re-orgs were stressful, though. That was like having to re-interview for my own job every ten months or so. I have done 3D graphics programming on my own time for about 20 years, and I always told myself that one day I would find a way to do that for a living. Setting up a very high expectation - kind of like wanting to be the lead guitarist in a band.
I tried to interview for any graphics job I could find, during my four years at the company. I never got an offer. Eventually, there were so many re-orgs, that most of my friend-co-workers had moved on to other teams. I decided to quit and work on a game, doing what I love. Technically, that went amazingly well. But from a design standpoint, it never quite gelled.
Then my relationship failed at the worst possible time. Then I exhausted my runway. I interviewed with goog and failed (more high expectations). I interviewed with a startup for a graphics position and it seemed to go very well!! But then baggage from that failed relationship, and doubt, stopped me from relocating during a critical window.
Then came crippling anxiety and horrible depression. My life seemed to go from amazing to over in only a few months. Friends grew distant and didn't know what to do for me. I couldn't face anybody. I stopped taking any calls. It felt like life was trying to tell me "Go home. You lost the privilege of playing with the grown-ups."
Sad to say, I am still "down in it". I had to move "back home," which is an isolated place. I haven't written much code in months. Despite having been a programmer for 20 years, I fear I won't be able to pass anymore technical interviews. Rationally, I know I am a very good and accomplished developer, and I know that everyone who has worked with me would say the same; but I'm extremely anxious about approaching the job search and the interviews anymore. One day I will find the motivation and the nerve to start over again.