I retired from the industry a bit over a year ago, which led to some tension between my wife and I; these kinds of drastic lifestyle changes can be hard on a couple. We ended up seeing a couples therapist who, among other observations, strongly believed I suffered undiagnosed ADHD. So, in my mid 50s, having already in my own mind succeeded at life, I saw a specialist for an official diagnosis. After filling out several detailed surveys and discussing my life's history for several hours it was official--the therapist said that she had rarely been more certain of a positive ADHD diagnosis.
I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Over the years I've developed a narrative that explains away my utter failure as a student, the huge highs and lows of my professional career, my distrust and lack of respect for authority of any kind, and my pride in my achievements as an autodidact. I am a non-conformist I'd tell myself, a rebel, an independent thinker, yes a frequent fuck-up, but also a drug user, a risk taker, and someone who sees the "small stuff" as beneath them.
Now the narrative is becoming: "I have a neurochemical condition that affects attention, impulse control, and executive function which causes me to seek novelty, and drives a need for stimulation and engagement." Honestly, I like that narrative a lot less.
I suppose it's somewhat of a comfort knowing that there is a fairly common condition that goes a long way towards explaining my life, but it does seem to take the personal choice out of it.
It sounds to me you just have a name for the weight you've been unknowingly fighting your whole life.
I don't think any of that other stuff is true, either. Your life with ADHD gave you a perspective others don't get which likely informed and encouraged those assessments, but that doesn't make them wrong.
Lot's of people live great live swith untreated ADHD. And it looks like you have to, you just didn't know that's what you were doing.
Honestly, I was in a similar spot. It was only in my mid-30s that I got a diagnosis, and it was because a lot of my coping mechanisms for keeping ADHD under control were failing.
I struggled a lot through HS and college, which I mostly attributed to having a sort of shitty childhood and generalized depression. But when I started my career and depression issues naturally went away as a result of independence, my issues of attention and focus actually got worse. A lot worse. I could only function in high stress environments with strict deadlines. Which is great when you're working on live ops issues, but bad when you need to complete a big redesign and you have a few weeks to do so. And the stress was having other negative effects.
So I finally got fed up and started talking to people. The more I explained my thought process and how hard it was to hold onto one coherent line of thought and attention, the more I realized this was a problem specific to me. It wasn't something everyone went through, other people could naturally just sit down, work on something and that was it.
In many respects, we have far less control over our brain than we think. So we develop strategies to deal with deficiencies and don't think about why those strategies are necessary in the first place. Recognizing what we don't have control over is a step towards gaining control, and being on ADHD medication made me realize what that actually meant. So you shouldn't think about it as having less personal control, but finally having more.
Lots of similarities here. Getting diagnosed rocked my world, because I finally understood that other people experienced the world differently.
> the therapist said that she had rarely been more certain of a positive ADHD diagnosis
> my utter failure as a student, the huge highs and lows of my professional career, my distrust and lack of respect for authority of any kind, and my pride in my achievements as an autodidact
Oh yeah. I'm with you.
People's experiences inside their head are amazingly different, but society treats them the same. Some have inner monologues, some don't. Some have aphantasia. Some have prosopagnosia. Some are left handed, which was once considered evil ("left" is "sinister" in Latin, from another autodidact).
We used to label people as one of: normal, genius, retarded. We are becoming more nuanced now and exploring "neurodivergence". The label you have been given is ADHD. One day it will be much more nuanced.
Embrace it. It's not negative, it's society recognizing you and me and our type.
Heh, it just so happens I'm also a left-handed Latin language learner and enthusiast who has been on HN since 2009. Are you me? Drop me an email (it's in my profile) I bet we'd both really enjoy corresponding a bit more.
I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Over the years I've developed a narrative that explains away my utter failure as a student, the huge highs and lows of my professional career, my distrust and lack of respect for authority of any kind, and my pride in my achievements as an autodidact. I am a non-conformist I'd tell myself, a rebel, an independent thinker, yes a frequent fuck-up, but also a drug user, a risk taker, and someone who sees the "small stuff" as beneath them.
Now the narrative is becoming: "I have a neurochemical condition that affects attention, impulse control, and executive function which causes me to seek novelty, and drives a need for stimulation and engagement." Honestly, I like that narrative a lot less.
I suppose it's somewhat of a comfort knowing that there is a fairly common condition that goes a long way towards explaining my life, but it does seem to take the personal choice out of it.