I was being a bit tongue in cheek, and my partner does tell me she has never met anyone more literal or rigid. So I take your point -- and it's fair.
That being said, many in the UK do use the simple past and perfect exactly as I've described. Using the simple past where the perfect is expected is, to their ears, unmistakably incorrect, whereas plenty of native speakers in the US draw no distinction whatsoever.
English isn’t a programming language.
All of the questions you’re asked are abstractions of a different question or a series of questions.
Many of them have multiple meanings and you pick the most likely set based on context.