Yes. Yes. To hold in my hand a button that contains such power, to know that blue screens on such a scale was my choice. To know that the tiny pressure on my thumb, enough to push the button, would end everything. Yes, I would do it! That power would set me up above the gods. And through Crowdstrike, I shall have that power!

Its like the name was predetermined for this scenario. Too on the nose really.

It's all cold sweats, hot flashes, and the urge to vomit when things go wrong.

I get nervous just pushing updates to my stupid little website. I simply cannot imagine.

With web, at small scale (which honestly is 95% of the world), you just version and back up everything. We push updates that break stuff from time to time. If it's bad enough, we just hit a button and roll back the change. The nerves are basically a sign that you need to have an easy rollback process in place, once you have it, you sleep easy and things are fun.

Clearly that's how they ended up with the current team. They hired for culture fit. Anyone who worries too much is out.

You bet they have an amazing perfect top-notch hiring pipeline, many rounds of interviews, and whatever you could wish for! (No, no ... the subcontractors writing code are not in scope for this, duh.)

I've definitely experienced the floor dropping out from under me feeling in the half minute of realization that I just blew something up, but really it's mostly just the first drop of a rollercoaster feeling then the anxiety is gone and it's time to fix things.

It is always worth remembering it is just a job.

Do not, under any circumstances let a job impact your health or mental well being.

I'd like to add that your company doesn't need a hero. The road to widespread catastrophic failure is long and no single person walks it in its entirety. Every employee should be able to individually take routine actions and make routine mistakes without mission failure or loss of life/limb. Preventing these things requires a mindset where your entire company is a system, and if failure isn't an option, the entire system needs to reflect that. Do your part in making a robust company, but don't tear yourself up when your company finds out that stupid is as stupid does.

I want you to know that I appreciate this comment far more than you could ever know, and you are absolutely right.

At the time, it was not just a job. It was a passion with a bar rising much faster than I could rise to the occasion. Simultaneously, my personal life was slowly falling apart, from family and loved ones in need, and the result was eventual failure leading to me being terminated. Luckily, it was one of the best events that has ever happened to me. I was able to land in a much better role almost immediately, which eventually catapulted my career and assisted in me being able to become financially independent as well as pivot into a domain with immensely improved work life balance. Importantly, I recognize I got lucky. It could’ve easily gone the other way, with me giving up both professionally and personally (yeeting myself from this plane of existence).

So, I not only violently echo your comment to others who come across this thread, I will go further to say that sometimes when you’re going through hell, if you keep going, there is light at the other end. It is just a job, it is okay to ask for help, and failure is when you stop trying to get back up, not when you get knocked down.

As in this case, it clearly had a huge impact on people. You can't say it's just a job when people can die because of you.