I have tried being supportive on multiple occasions. I offered to help with building her a platform online since she spends so much time there. I offered to team up with her in case she wants to create an eCommerce site. The discussion always ends with, “I don’t know”.
I have tried various approaches, including being provocative, and that is why I said it is not worth it.
I am not abandoning her by any means and we talk. We are on good terms so to speak, but sadly those good terms only extend to lengths of her own comfort. She has a genuine problem with sharing who she is as a person and that is not easy to work with.
When every other thing you say gets interpreted as an “attack” or “you are crossing boundaries”, it makes no sense to push the person to end up where you started.
I don't normally comment on these kinds of topic but I thought I should chip in on this one.
The things you have listed are all solutions to a problem that you think she has. Something in the line of "If you/we do X, you'll be happier. Trust me"
Honestly, it doesn't have to be that complex. I was shocked to read about the platform and the eCommerce site. That's such a HN solution to an ultimately human problem.
I believe the only thing you need to focus on right now is to understand where she's coming from. Do you know why she does the thing she does? Do you know what she feels about it?
That's it. Simple. But it'll be hard for sure. Because to you (and me), it's very clearly an issue that needs to be "fixed". But how would you feel if someone keeps telling you solutions to things you don't think are a problem? Like: "Hey, do you want a custom social media site so that you don't spend so much time on HN?" - the implication is that you're a HN addict. My first response would be defensive. "I think HN is good. You haven't even spent much time on it. How would you know anything about it? "
I think that unless there's this common ground of understanding and support, you'll never get anywhere.
Agreed. I was expecting something like asking her to go for a walk outside, visit a beach... something grounding and enjoyable away from the phone. Not trying to teach her frontend dev lol.
i’m extremely ill-qualified to advise here, and i think it will be even more reckless to assume i understand or appreciate the scope of your effort.
it’s more difficult to even suggest what to do. what are your thoughts on genuinely being interested in her? not for the purposes of helping her. but being interested in her so that you spend time in conversations? start with a minute here and there reminiscing about moments between you two (and perhaps the larger family) that you both enjoyed, and gradually moving into longer conversations? i think what i’m saying here is that you might need to rebuild trust then build a new relationship on top of that. how to go about that? i really don’t know.
Yeah, that makes sense. She's pushed you away. Sounds like she's pushed everyone away. You don't have to keep fighting. I don't know if you currently live in proximity to her but if so, one day that will end and you'll have no chance at saving her then. I don't think building online platform is the fix for this, and it doesn't sound like that's what she really wants. If i armchair about my own experiences, sounds like she wants friends but is scared and doesn't remember how to get them. If i we're living the scenario that's in my head in reference to your words, i would focus my efforts on going outside and enjoying the world, then attempting to find people, you only have to force the first couple conversations before it becomes possible.
Also, is it possible she's just depressed? I her a couple therapy sessions would help. These methods are how i got out of my video game hole, and i woulda killed for someone to go through this with. I can't tell you what to do, but what I've heard so far it doesn't sound impossible. It does sound like you've accepted the barrier to assistance she's set up. Maybe when you're ready to leave someday you can make a final push
I have tried various approaches, including being provocative, and that is why I said it is not worth it.
I am not abandoning her by any means and we talk. We are on good terms so to speak, but sadly those good terms only extend to lengths of her own comfort. She has a genuine problem with sharing who she is as a person and that is not easy to work with.
When every other thing you say gets interpreted as an “attack” or “you are crossing boundaries”, it makes no sense to push the person to end up where you started.