1. Instead of thinking, "sheesh, I suck" after losing, start thinking, "well played" (even if your opponent was in a losing position and beat you on time or with a sneaky pre-move; they still won). This simple reframing makes it less about the gaps in your abilities and more about having found an opponent who outplayed you that game. Finding better opponents is a good thing; you will learn more.
2. Actively make loss about growth: review games you lost. Find (a) the losing move and (b) the reason you made that move (harder, but important). Use that info to change your thought process to reduce future mistakes. This can be as simple as, "it's 2am and I've been playing blitz for 3 hours, I'm too tired to play my best, I'll stop playing after midnight". Or "I keep missing mate threats. I will say "checks, captures, threats" in my head after my opponent makes a move to train myself to systematically seek dangerous intent, until that process is so internalised that it's natural. I will also solve mate-in-one[1] or mate-in-two[2] puzzles on Lichess for 10 minutes a day until they feel obvious."
3. If you lose three games in a row, stop playing for a while (a few minutes/hours/days, whatever you need). If losses hugely affect your mood, a long string of them can make you feel really low. Pre-emptively break that cycle and do something else for a while.
Yeah. You have to realize that in chess there are two players and one of them is going to lose. Sometimes it's you, sometimes it's your opponent. To progress in chess you need to win more games than you lose. 50.5% win rate is enough in the long term.
My suggestion based on my own emotions with chess is that you should start playing quick games like 3+2 or something. The time and emotional "investment" in those games is low enough that you might not care when you lose. Just start another game and try again. Losing classical game that you were playing for 2 weeks is a different beast.
I'm the same, but I haven't managed to grow out of it. I just get frustrated and keep playing in anger until I win, which sucks for my social life.
Oddly, the only sport where I'm chill about losing is tennis, where I think "nice, they played really well". Everywhere else, including chess, it's "how could you do this to me".
The only time I managed to be chill in chess was after I'd taken MDMA, and then when I'd lose I'd think "they played better, they deserve it". It went away after a few days, though, never to be repeated (presumably without more MDMA).
I thought I was the only one that ever felt that way. It was many years ago when ICC was the only place to play online, and I was exactly the same. I could play bots, but not people. Losing to a bot was one thing, but another person? No way! I ended up writing about the online chess experience for some class I was taking at the time. I think that what's finally did it for me. And since that time, I basically accept losing, failure, as a part of the process of learning and growing in all areas of life. Some years later I played in OTB tournaments. These would be weekend events where a game could last 4 hours, and you'd play two or even three in a day. It could be pretty grueling. And of course, you have to accept your losses. It's an amazing experience to be an adult and lose to a child or teenager. But yes that's happened to me more than once. I'll also add that it's amazing to win an OTB tournament. Once I played in a large weekend tournament, six games over three days. I was in the under 2000 section (my rating was in the 1600s), and for some reason, I simple could not lose. Even in games where I would have a losing position, I would still manager to win, or in one case draw. I was bullet proof, and it was such a wonderful feeling -- felt like I was walking ten feet off the ground. The only tournament where I've ever won a cash prize, too. So, anyway, go for it. Don't let your fear of losing stop you from trying in any area of life.
I prefer losing actually - I always find myself a bit dissapointed after achieving victory.
From every loss I learned something (either that my tactics need work, that I need to improve my understanding of this or that structure, that I need to add a line to my repertoire), from victories not so much.
Also I find that going for a beer with opponent when they win is usually much better experience than when they lose - people tend to be more open and talkative after win than after loss.
Wins feel unearned (the opponent just played so bad) or accidental (he played good but made this one mistake, it could have gone either way).
In case of the loses you feel way more in control somehow (ooh, I definitely shouldn't have done that) or are just funny (I can't do anything, they are wiping the floor with me, it's comical) where you set up your own small goals to achieve because you have no hopes of actually competing (yes! I got him this one time so it's 12-1 not 12-0).
Find whomever regularly can beat you, be thankful, and play them as often as possible until they can't.
Players are very lucky if they can irl find people that can beat them. The goal should always be to play someone who is better when possible, because it's the only way to improve via gameplay.
Most people don't play chess. Many fewer will ever play beyond the casual game with someone over a holdiay. Meaning that anyone who is remotely serious about improving will likely very quickly find themselves without anyone better to play.
I'm not a "good" chess player. But about half of the adults that I know, who play, won't play me for the same reason that you don't play. So I mostly teach children to play. Some of them can play now. They likely won't beat me for a long time to come. I don't improve over these games. The games are sometimes marginally fun for me. One kid won't learn for the same reason that you won't play. Those who do play are lucky to be able to improve their game against my play.
I was the same. I can't easily describe what changed, but now I don't play to win or lose, I just decided to play for the sake of playing.
If you lose a game, just stop playing for a bit, and don't give in to the feeling of wanting to play another to prove you can win. This will only result in frustration.
If you lose, make yourself think "That was a fun game. I learned X, and will try and do Y next time."
I've been the same way for as long as I can remember. It applies to single player games, too.
I've found that there are some games that losing isn't completely off-putting. But I think the real issue is that the fun I get from most games is in winning, not in playing. If I was playing for not reason (not to win, no goals, etc) I wouldn't play it, and would do something else instead. Winning makes it feel enough better than I want to play.
I've been trying to "overcome" this, too, and having the right mindset is start. "I'm here to enjoy the game, not the win.", etc.
Take up any online multiplayer game and then lose a lot. Lose till it wears you down, so you'll stop caring, about loses ... and wins. It will feel terrible at the beginning and you'll want to come back to single player games that are built in a way that lets you win, but after some time (years) you'll no longer care and will enjoy the game itself not the result.
Just play quick unrated blitz games. Then when you lose it doesn't matter for anything. After a while, you will start to think "hmm, it's more fun when I get an opponent who's close to an even match with me". And then you'll just naturally want to play rated games. And if not, that's fine too.
I am the same, I'm so terrible at chess that it's just not enjoyable for me, and I don't have time to learn it properly, so I just don't play even though I find the game interesting and a bit addictive.
Honestly: Play a game where you are supposed to win.
There is a reason why single player video games are still popular. It is fun to win!
I play ARPGs, where, I mow down hordes of enemies with a mere mouse click with fun graphics and sound.
Is this cotton candy compared to playing PvP games. Absolutely. I've done serious PvP before. But, after a day of work... sometimes, it is just fun to save the world, or make it burn.
I've been thinking recently that I should play anyway so that I could grow out of this condition. Any tips for that?