Even if the material world didn't require this, it's required by a substantial portion of women, romantically speaking. Many women express their concern that "he never shares his emotions", but when he finally does express his emotions and what truly bothers him she finds herself unusually dry and loses respect for him. Some men never have to learn this the hard way, and they're fortunate. It's common enough that it's not hard to find such stories online.
I remember an anecdote by a guy that shared to his family how he was feeling depressed and exhausted, mostly work-related.
It was a "deer in the headlights" experience. His family indifferent if not annoyed by his revelations. He had nervously prepared for the moment but the message was plain and clear: you can't fail.
I think it serves as an example of how cold and loveless men perceive this world to be. You need to deliver without fail for life. Fail and nobody cares or you're cast aside as trash.
So if the messaging is that nobody loves you for you and you're judged by utility only, we shouldn't be surprised by men's growing issues.
My experience is that they do not mean it. What they want is for the man to make her feel loved. What they do not want is for the man to express his deepest insecurities and make her feel insecure by proxy because she depends on him.
Style of communication matters. There are different modes of interaction and being a caregiver/care-receiver is one of them that doesn't mix well with being desired sexually. You can, however, switch between modes. This is in fact the basis behind the therapeutic approach of Transactional Analysis:
Personally I've encountered the thing you've described, and think where it went wrong was falling into a persistent parent/child dynamic instead of returning to an adult/adult one. I'm a bit wiser now and can confirm that once you recognise the modes you're falling into, you can shed the (toxic) ideas like "nice guys finish last" and start having deeper relationships.
Not even joking: isn't that was a romantic relationship is? What is this fear of becoming dependent on your partner? If I didn't need a partner then I would remain single. Isn't love a form of dependency?
I think this very modern fear of being dependent on your partner emerged of late because of the way sexual liberalism eroded the security of romantic relationships. Nothing means anything anymore and your partner can leave you at any moment, therefore you have to somehow remain completely independent while leading a relationship.
But at the same time, to truly open yourself and love someone you have to become somewhat dependent on them.
The funny thing is many women seem to prefer exactly the kind of men everyone is complaining about, and not because they really like them either. Nice guys are always treated like trash.
I can count the number of healthy relationships I've seen in this life on one hand.
I don't know exactly how we ended up here; but unless things get better fast, over population will be the least of our troubles.
I think part of the issue is the misunderstanding men have in terms of what a "nice guy" actually is.
If a man is told by a heterosexual woman he's not in a relationship with that he's a nice guy, he should take that to mean she's not attracted to him. But this is confusing because the majority of men's advice about women comes from women, and the messaging they've received is that they should be a "nice guy." And being nice at a surface level is antithetical to things like assertion, which is a quality many women look for in men. Until the advent of YouTube, my impression and experience is that elder men have failed to teach men anything useful about how to interact with women, including what it means to be nice. I know of no men my age in real life that received any wisdom from their fathers besides "wear a condom."
So called "nice guys" are treated like trash, not because they're nice, but often the opposite. If a man is a pushover, lacks confidence, doesn't seem like he knows what he wants out of life, and is willingly subordinate to women, but he is superficially very nice, that signals that his behavior comes from immaturity or to get laid. Women do actually like guys who are nice, but a scant number of them are into men who lack a spine or need women in order to feel complete. A man can be nice but also be assertive, confident, and not be needy.
And sure, plenty of women are into bad boys, but that's their prerogative, and a man may not want to be with those women anyway.
