Also, no developer you’d hire with confidence is gonna get out of bed for an “I can barely explain myself, but all I need is...” job that pays a small amount.

Create in zapier, send the login to dev; please recreate. Works fine and can, in very many cases, be done for well under zapier's pro account prices. Especially for tasks you need to run 100k+ per month, which is not uncommon if you are trying to build a product yourself.