With the unmitigated disaster of 2020, I’m “probably not ok,” but I am not in any danger to myself or others. Quite the opposite - I’m optimistic that things are moving in the right direction. I mean, it can’t get worse:
- Shutdown my consulting Business in February because I didn’t feel comfortable with being around new people constantly with a t-cell deficient immune system.
- My boyfriend abruptly stopped his antidepressant and quietly completed suicide in his apartment alone. No indication anything was off. It’s been tough to manage such a loss alone during a pandemic where social distancing is important.
- I am left with his orange tabby cat; and with the unrelenting frustration in trying to reason with people who never lost their lover to suicide, with multiple “it’s not your fault” conversations. I’m conflicted in that these people are the ones who are standing with me, but I can’t hear this logic again.
- Just a few days ago, six months later, I acknowledged what would’ve been his 33rd birthday and also our anniversary. I couldn’t find anything to actually celebrate or anyone to celebrate it with because of COVID. Still waiting for a good time to even have a proper memorial.
- My roommate couple friends moved back home to the Midwest. As the master tenant, I’m responsible for the difference in rent, nobody is moving to SF really; but may have a roommate come October.
- My best friend in San Francisco died of cancer late March.
- We were supposed to have dinner the last week of February,
- and all of us were supposed to celebrate my April birthday together at a Honey Dijon show;
- and go to the Maceo Plex day party on Treasure Island in May. Yep, as both of them are gone and both of those events will never happen, that calendar event was a rough thing to forget to cancel.
On the bright side, I had time to crash course my way into sharpening my CS skills for flavor of the week programming languages, turned half my garage into a wood shop; created an IoT paradise at home or “who needs an Alexa when Jenkins will do,” been building the tabby a “catio” so he’ll get some outside time, started getting into the fun world of circuit board reworking out of a BIOS Flashing disaster, and enjoying the work of cooking all my meals.
I’m not too stressed about work. I have decided I’m not going back into the self employment hustle; and I’m patient enough to wait for the right next opportunity. Low expectations yield pleasant surprises.
I’m so sorry. I’ve known two people who’ve committed suicide, but neither anywhere near as close as this. I wish you solace in whatever form you find it and I’m sorry that you’re having to navigate this in a world largely without hugs.
Wow, so sorry to hear about all your losses. That sounds horrendous to go through -- congratulations, at least, on making it through, and finding some good things to do!
Sad, indeed, that we have no training on how to deal with grief in general, and how to help people go through it, specifically.
I’m not sure what to say as I haven’t experienced such tragic loss in a short time. If you’re looking for someone to talk to, I’d be more than happy to chat and talk about all sorts of random things.
Other than that, please hang in there, when you’re at the lowest, it only gets better. As you said, low expectations yield pleasant surprises.
Really sorry about the people you lost, that really sucks.
Also gutted that you missed Maceo Plex and Honey Dijon - I've had plans to see Bicep and a bunch of others cancelled/moved, it's understandable why but still so frustrating! Check out Maceo if you ever get the chance again post-COVID, he's really good live.
With the unmitigated disaster of 2020, I’m “probably not ok,” but I am not in any danger to myself or others. Quite the opposite - I’m optimistic that things are moving in the right direction. I mean, it can’t get worse:
- Shutdown my consulting Business in February because I didn’t feel comfortable with being around new people constantly with a t-cell deficient immune system. - My boyfriend abruptly stopped his antidepressant and quietly completed suicide in his apartment alone. No indication anything was off. It’s been tough to manage such a loss alone during a pandemic where social distancing is important. - I am left with his orange tabby cat; and with the unrelenting frustration in trying to reason with people who never lost their lover to suicide, with multiple “it’s not your fault” conversations. I’m conflicted in that these people are the ones who are standing with me, but I can’t hear this logic again. - Just a few days ago, six months later, I acknowledged what would’ve been his 33rd birthday and also our anniversary. I couldn’t find anything to actually celebrate or anyone to celebrate it with because of COVID. Still waiting for a good time to even have a proper memorial. - My roommate couple friends moved back home to the Midwest. As the master tenant, I’m responsible for the difference in rent, nobody is moving to SF really; but may have a roommate come October. - My best friend in San Francisco died of cancer late March. - We were supposed to have dinner the last week of February, - and all of us were supposed to celebrate my April birthday together at a Honey Dijon show; - and go to the Maceo Plex day party on Treasure Island in May. Yep, as both of them are gone and both of those events will never happen, that calendar event was a rough thing to forget to cancel.
On the bright side, I had time to crash course my way into sharpening my CS skills for flavor of the week programming languages, turned half my garage into a wood shop; created an IoT paradise at home or “who needs an Alexa when Jenkins will do,” been building the tabby a “catio” so he’ll get some outside time, started getting into the fun world of circuit board reworking out of a BIOS Flashing disaster, and enjoying the work of cooking all my meals.
I’m not too stressed about work. I have decided I’m not going back into the self employment hustle; and I’m patient enough to wait for the right next opportunity. Low expectations yield pleasant surprises.