Look up the story of Aline Lerner. Consider that, whatever you think about your situation, she was probably thinking similar things, and despite that, she’s always been one of the most interesting people in her class at MIT, even when she was in your job, especially then. And look at you, first post in the most popular thread right now. You have physical hardships, no doubt, but there is an existential interest that you’ve piqued here. Well-paid software engineers may struggle with the banality of irrelevance, boredom and disconnection with their fellow man. I once met a girl on a plane that told me that the most important thing you can know about life is that nobody has it better than you. Nobody. Interestingly, whether it’s true or not, you have nothing to gain by believing otherwise.