You can save yourself a lot of time and possibly attract the right type of candidate By posting the salary (not just a range) including all benefits as well as the type of work they’ll be responsible for (not just what skills you expect them to have). Top tier candidates have to deal with a lot of noise, you can make your signal stronger by being upfront about as much detail as possible.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know what your position is but I may be able to help you with the "finding a new job" part of your anxiety. Please feel free to reach out to me on twitter @devetorecruiter. Good luck with everything!
We live seprated already and have our own lifes (and boyfriends, at least for her) but the divorce has not been finalized yet and so she technically is still my wife.
I know you're right but just reading what wrote makes me feel queasy. Things ended so abruptly im not sure that we dont still love each other. There's a good chance that I'm fooling myself though. ughh
You are fooling yourself. It is clear she doesn’t love you.
Life is sometimes unfair, cruel, and painful. Accept it. And do the best you can with the time you have left. If you don’t you will continue to suffer for no good reason.
I feel the same way. In my case I have no love interest so I can at least pretend that that will help (it won’t). If you’re like me then it’s a near certainty that none of the suggestions here will help. I don’t have anything to offer. Im suffering with you. Alone.
Thanks, that what it feels like to me. I’ve survived over the last few years by leaning into the hatred for what she’s done to our family. Now that seems to have subsided and I’m left with the pain of knowing we will never be a family again. it feels like it will go on forever and I find my mind coming up with fanciful stories to subdue the pain but it doesn’t work anymore. The truth hurts so much.
It was very abrupt. Our marriage was difficult but I always believed we could figure it out. I think we both felt exactly the same way about each other at the end. She filed for divorce.
I really appreciate your comment. I agree about "how to win friends and influence people". It feels manipulative as hell. Can you expand a little on how to actively listen better? I feel like when I try this, the conversation becomes one sided and I have to bow out for reasons you mentioned. I feel like my chances of meeting someone that I can actually authentically connect with are slim because my standard of authenticity seems higher than whats typical/common.
Don't worry about what's typical or common. If you only have a small amount of interest-juice, that makes it even more valuable when you do express it. People will notice this, and it will make them feel special if they can manage to capture your interest. It will also make any connections you make feel natural and worth it - even if they're harder to come by.
> Can you expand a little on how to actively listen better?
First, I should say that active listening takes effort for most people. You have to put yourself in a position to spend energy - that means good sleep, caffeine, exercise - whatever you need to be in good mental shape. It's a critical pre-requisite to active listening.
This is why it is so important to pick people who are interesting to you - you cannot (and should not!) actively listen to everyone who talks to you. It will drain you.
When you're in a conversation that is of interesting to you, you can decide to actively listen. I call this process "having an active conversation" - here are some things that I recommend doing:
- take time to process what the person has said before responding. natural pauses are interesting, take your time to make sure you care about what you're asking
- don't fill silences with uninteresting filler. just wait. mature & interesting conversation partners will simply let silence be silence.
- if it's their turn to talk, not everything they say will be 100% interesting to you - if you are practicing active listening, be sure to fully comprehend everything they say. this is why active listening takes energy. focusing on everything helps you generate questions that lead to engaging genuinely interesting conversation.
- check in with yourself periodically, and ask the following:
how long have each of us spent leading the conversation?
in active conversation, the people engaged will take turns leading the conversation. if you feel like you're taking up most of the room, ask them a leading question and give them space to talk. if you feel like they're taking up most of the room, interrupt them and take the conversation back into your hands.
is this person actively listening to me?
if not, they're likely listening passively (not fully comprehending, uninterested in coming up with questions), which is a sign of disrespect/disinterest. either exit the conversation, or flip the light back to them.
to reiterate this, do not let your conversation partner prattle on forever about whatever _they're_ interested in. conversations are 2-sided. if they are taking up too much space, it's your responsibility to interrupt them and flip the focus to something you're interested in. this goes double if you don't know the person very well - do not let them talk at you forever, unless you're genuinely interested in hearing all of it.
is this conversation interesting to me?
if you decide that this active conversation sucks (many of them do!), disengage. don't pretend you can be brutally honest - few of us can - but don't be dishonest either. simply say "thanks for the convo, i'm going to go do X" or similar.
the key for you (and me) is to not hesitate to end the conversation or interrupt someone who is taking advantage of our active listening. many people do this without realizing it.
I do this! There's something about the way he talks that gives me perspective. Hims and Bukowski when I'm feeling particularly dark. The thing is I find myself back to where I started shortly after listening. Maybe thats the point.
